stress reduction – Kara Santokie, Ph.D.

I Have No Time To Rush

August 13, 2018August 13, 2018
by Kara Santokie

Has your mind ever felt like a freight train, rushing headlong into the next thing with nary a moment for a breath? Or caught up in a frightfully delicious fantasy of what would it be like if so-and-so did so-and-so, and then I could say so-and-so. Then (only then!), I would be soooo happy!!! We do this with a lot of aspects of our lives: our minds create elaborate miniature fantasy worlds, right down to the tiniest detail. The perfect job, the perfect partner, the perfect wedding dress, and the perfect little family. Unruffled relationships and events that tumble seamlessly towards our preferences with complete certainty, stroking our egos along the way and affirming our self-worth.

But then, unhappiness inevitably rears its ugly head precisely because all of these things are a fantasy. They have no existence in objective reality. And we tend to be so busy trying to get to the next person or thing that we fail to connect the dots and figure out what has caused this suffering in the first place.

This fabrication comes from the illusion of certainty. Deep down inside, it’s what we really want. Yet, our lives are filled with exactly the opposite: a great deal of messy uncertainty that no amount of trying, pulling, pushing, re-arranging or scheming will eliminate. This could be for tiny things, or it could be for really big things. And it can be very helpful to pause in meditation practice, and become familiar with our thought patterns in this regard.

Last week, someone pointed out to me that I tend to take on every challenge that comes my way. Every time, without fail. The words had never been articulated to me before, and after an initial shock, it felt more like a calm homecoming: yes, it was completely true. Furthermore, I don’t actually have to take on every challenge, and doing so hasn’t increased my happiness. I just assumed that this was what strong women did. I’m a strong woman, ergo, I Will Never Back Down! Kind of like Super Girl. And incidentally, how cool would it be to wear a cute costume and fly around the city? That’s Part II of my fantasy!

So for now, I’m gently working on breaking the addiction to this human desire for certainty, and replacing it with only one challenge: to respond to uncertainty with a sense of nobility and grace. Change is inevitable. And I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’m not actually Super Girl 🙂

I invite you to bring this into your meditation practice, observing your thoughts, and noting with compassion when they gravitate towards wanting things to be a certain way, or pushing against change. Then practice living your real life, the one that is happening right now as opposed to the mental fabrication that’s inside your head.

Live every moment, as you have never lived before. In the words of the incomparable Tara Brach, “I have no time to rush.”

-Kara Santokie, PhD. teaches mindfulness meditation in Toronto, Canada.

guided mindfulness meditation

A Love Affair To Remember

June 15, 2018June 15, 2018
by Kara Santokie

For many of us as humans, our lives follow a particular trajectory. We might have one, two or even a few times in our lives when we fall in love with someone. Heady, passionate, and addictive. We can’t wait to hear the sound of her/his voice again. Until it turns catastrophic, excruciating, and completely soul-wrenching when love inevitably ends and hearts are broken (whether by mutual parting, rejection, or death).

Outside of romantic love in our daily lives, we’re guaranteed to have happy times, miserable times and fairly neutral times. However, how much of our lives can we honestly say has been spent in feeling comfortable with ourselves regardless of our external circumstances? Content with who we are and with the way things are, and not wishing for things to be different?

This can be a difficult thing, especially after years of being unconsciously programmed by our moment-to-moment desires. It can be hard to differentiate between the things that are ephemeral and those that will produce an enduring sense of equanimity. And let’s face it, those ephemeral things can feel pretty darn sweet! Dopamine, anyone?

When we are feeling sad, lonely, disappointed in ourselves, or just in sore need of some comfort, our (perfectly natural) human tendency is to try to ease the pain somehow. The perfect love affair- with a person, an object (like food or drugs), or even an activity (like video games, exercise or sex).

In one of his final messages, the Buddha addressed his beloved attendant Ananda thus:

“Therefore, O Ananda, be a lamp unto yourself.
Betake yourself to no external refuge.
Hold fast to the Truth as a lamp.
Hold fast to the Truth as a refuge.”

In this famous sutta, the Buddha is talking about the mirage of the perfect love affair. So, what if instead of seeking a love affair with a person, thing or activity outside of ourselves, we cultivate a relationship with ourselves? That is, a deep and meaningful relationship with the truth of the way things are with us right now. A relationship takes work, and isn’t characterized by the trance-like intoxication of an early love affair. It’s grown-up, is more reliant on commitment and wisdom, and is more steadfast through thick and thin. Can we simply observe the way things really are? With compassion and patient endurance, and without generating suffering by constantly fighting our reality?

This is the opposite of navel-gazing, and it definitely isn’t narcissism. Self-absorption usually obscures the truth of the way things are. Mindfulness helps to illuminate it.

Our relationship with ourselves is the most important one of our lives. It begins and ends with us alone, with our very first and last breath. We translate the Pali word “sati” as mindfulness, but it more literally means “to remember.” So the next time you feel the gnawing temptation of wanting something external to soothe your soul but which your heart knows to be unwise, try “to remember” the potential consequences of your actions on this most important love relationship. The beautiful you, the one who has loved you all your life. Betake yourself to no external refuge 🙂

guided mindfulness meditation

The Definition of Equanimity

May 22, 2018May 23, 2018
by Kara Santokie

A couple of posts back, I wrote about the definition of insanity– doing the same thing time and again, and expecting a different result each time. We get a handle on this insanity (and huge congrats when you do!) in order to come closer to its antithesis, i.e., equanimity. Is it possible to live in a way that embodies sane, thoughtful responses to the inevitable vicissitudes of life? A life that is characterized by a steadiness of heart that neither excludes nor clings to the waves of feelings and emotions that are the hallmark of what it means to be human?

Equanimity has the potential to sound passive, boring, crazy or even unattainable. How on earth do you keep it together when you’ve just been fired from your job, or your partner has just blind-sided you? Isn’t it normal and healthy to enjoy pleasant experiences such as sex, dinner with loved ones or a walk with the dog? Shouldn’t we be doing something if we’re about to be attacked like, umm, hitting the robber and running away?

Equanimity never means doing nothing. It also doesn’t mean that we don’t feel anything. Indeed, it’s quite the opposite. Stepping into equanimity is a conscious decision to fully inhabit this human life. So, instead of engaging with the endless march of internal mind-chatter, when we really pay attention to what’s happening, our experience of sensations becomes heightened. Pleasure is that much pleasurable, whether it’s an amazing dessert, a romantic sunset, or a favourite song. We also feel our pain- every exquisitely excruciating moment as it rises and falls away. In so doing, we decrease the suffering that follows when we try to push pain away, running ourselves in circles and inevitably hurting even more. Everything belongs, and we experience it all fully.

Equanimity means that life no longer fazes us. The heart experiences whatever is happening. Yet, at the same time, the heart can achieve a deliverance from clinging when the pleasant experience inevitably passes away, and pushing and fighting when something is unpleasant.

This journey towards a state of equanimity is far from passive or boring. It requires courage, patience and endless compassion with ourselves, because we have been so deeply conditioned to mentally spin off, grasp, or attempt to refuse certain experiences. We might even observe ourselves doing the same insane thing time and again. Raise your hands if you’ve been there (I certainly have)! But if we practice paying attention and coming back to whatever is really happening, we are taking steps to unlock this ingrained pattern. Then we can respond or make changes if needed, but instead, it comes from a more skillful place. For example, we may need to have an honest conversation with a difficult relative, but we probably don’t need to lose our temper and descend into a screaming match. And we may definitely need to smack the robber and run.

The equanimous heart is a heart that is ready for anything. Through careful, patient observation, we can cultivate this steadiness- becoming more aware of our thoughts, feeling and emotions is an important first step. And the reward? Life in full living colour. What could be better? 🙂

guided mindfulness meditation

Astonished at Astonishment

February 26, 2018
by Kara Santokie

For some inexplicable reason that I cannot quite fathom, change still surprises me. It’s crazy, I know, since things are changing all the time. Yet, significant deviations from equilibrium still manage to confound me, as if I’ve somehow convinced myself that despite all logical evidence to the contrary, this time, some particular arrangement or state of affairs that I enjoyed would stay exactly as it was: nice, neat and orderly, just the way I like it.

This is a tough nut to crack…it’s one of the foundational truths taught by the Buddha, in addition to being so obviously very, very true. Just when you’re starting to get comfortable…boom! The neighbour starts playing loud music right in the middle of your meditation sit, you have a fight with your parents, you drop a bowl of curry all over your nice dress. Bleh. It happens all the time.

But then the things that I do want to change remain SO DARN sticky. I swear, I have tried to give up dairy products a million times, except when fresh chai is wafting in front of my nose…creamy, silky smooth cardamom deliciousness that throws all resolutions out the window. Tastebuds have defeated tummy, yet again, and things stay the same.

This is still very much a work in progress. But I came across a Mary Oliver poem this morning that I found very helpful, whilst reading Judson’s Brewer wonderful book on craving and addiction:

“Instructions for living a life:
Pay attention
Be astonished
Tell about it.”

So perhaps what’s needed is to pay attention to my astonishment, instead of directing energy to becoming newly astonished at my astonishment when things change. Paying attention to astonishment means stepping off the wheel, at least for a little bit. And, what you learn from paying attention may, in and of itself, be quite astonishing! I’m going to check this out for a while, and you should also. Then let’s tell each other about it 🙂